National Coming Out Day and Dan Savage's
"It Gets Better" Campaign
written by TANYA BARNETT
If you're even a little bit involved in the LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered) community, you're probably well aware of September's rash of suicides (at least, suicides that made the news) by LGBT youth (and QQIA and all the other letters we assign to people). It's an absolutely heartbreaking phenomenon and an awful reality to have to live with. In response to the sudden surge of publicity on LGBT suicide, columnist Dan Savage organized the "It Gets Better" campaign, in which he and other celebrities try to reach out to young people struggling in a homophobic world that leaves them confused, scarred, discouraged and depressed. Their message is that life gets better if they just hold on—and as far as I can tell, that's where it stops.
The problem with this is two-fold. For one, it's a lie. For some people it's not going to get better. Most of us are never going to become rich and famous (while also being gay), and our communities are going to continue to antagonize us for years. Secondly, life doesn't just get better and society doesn't just become accepting. We have to make life better for ourselves and for those of us who can't do it on their own. We have to fight against hatred and ignorance and defend those who need support.
Let's start with the first problem. It's easy for a famous white guy like Dan Savage to tell us how life gets better. Dan seems like a pretty able-bodied fellow, though that isn't my call to make; not all disabilities are visible. He's cisgendered, meaning he identifies as a man and has a man's body. He's white in a country that loves white people, and thanks to his sex column, is pretty well off financially. Dan might be gay, but he had a pretty big leg up on life with all of that going for him. So when someone like Dan Savage looks at me and tells me, "Life is great from up here," I'm a little skeptical of just how much that applies to me.
You see, not everyone can afford to move to a liberal city where they can walk down the street and not get gay-bashed, or go to another state to get married, or even have access to internet so they can see Dan's video. There are all kinds of different situations an LGBT person can be in that work against them, so life never really seems to get better. Race, nationality, gender identity, socio-economic class, body size, religion—people get attacked for these things all the time in the U.S., and piling that onto sexual orientation and gender identity only makes it that much rougher. You don't graduate from high school into a world of rainbow hugs. Life can be made to suck pretty hard.
And that's just the U.S. We're by no means the beacon of absolute freedom and perfect equality we let on to be, but there are nations out there where you can be put to death for "homosexuality," which is going to mean different things to different bigoted people. Can Dan Savage look at them and tell them, "It gets better?"
That's not an endorsement of giving up on life by any means. But this campaign of privileged celebrities trying to tell kids going through absolute hell that it'll get better—just wait—is patronizing. Let's be honest with these kids while we're helping them. Hope can only do so much.
This brings me to my second point. Remember during the 2008 presidential election when Barack Obama was pushing hope and change as his message? It's a good idea, but it's important to note that there are two concepts going on. Being positive about the future is great, but it's nothing if we don't take action to get there. Hoping Obama would become president wasn't going to get him elected. Somebody had to vote for him. People were going to have to work for change if they wanted to bring it about. That's true whether you supported him or not.
The same goes for the "It Gets Better" campaign. Hoping it'll get better and saying it'll get better won't do crap. Things didn't get better for Dan Savage by some destined-to-be progression in the world's views on the LGBT community. People have been working their asses off for years so Dan Savage could come out without being arrested, get married in Canada legally, and adopt a son without him being taken away immediately.
The message of this campaign seems to solely be telling bullied kids to wait. But what are they waiting for? They're waiting for us. They're waiting for us to push for laws that punish bullying based on sexual orientation and gender identity. They're waiting for us to create a climate that's not only safe for them to live in, but also accepting of them. They're waiting for us to drown out the messages of intolerance and bigotry with those of love and understanding. Giving a kid a link to the Trevor Project's website isn't enough. It's a wonderful organization, but wouldn't it be even better if we didn't need it? If we got to young people before they were suicidal? These kids are on the brink and we can't look to them to save themselves. We have to be their saviors.
And I haven't even had a chance to mention how all of this is still putting all the responsibility onto the shoulders of the LGBT community rather than those of the offenders—the bullies in high school, the harassing drunk guy that lived down the hall from you in college, the boss that knew you were gay and still made homophobic jokes around the water cooler, the politicians who try to legislate your life and the constituents who eat it up. Shouldn't we be holding them responsible for these deaths? They can hide behind free speech but in their tiny way, the culture of homophobia they've helped create and foster has pushed these kids over the edge. Let's not look at the down and out, the marginalized and the helpless, and encourage them to tough it out. Let's look at the oppressors and tell them to cut it out, or face the consequences through lawsuits, protests, boycotts, jail time or whatever else it takes to squash this mammoth culture of hate.
Monday, Oct. 11, 2010 was National Coming Out Day. For everyone in a place of safety and acceptance, I hope you can find the strength to be honest about who you are and are able to set an example of pride for every LGBT kid out there. You and I have to be leaders for them. And for everyone who isn't at that place yet, don't feel bad. The closet is a tough place to be, but if you have to be there for your own sake, it's understandable. Even after coming out, just getting by in this world can be tough enough without being an advocate or activist. For those of us lucky enough (and for a lot of wonderful people I couldn't hold a candle to—brave enough), I promise you that we're going to keep working as hard as we can for as long as we need, doing whatever it takes to make the world change for you. When you're ready to help, we'll be the ones waiting.
